Guys on Tinder

I am single. This is partly due to the fact that I live like a hermit, partly because I’m ridiculously picky, and mainly because I have absolutely no right to be picky because I’m a total dickhead. I also make incredibly bad life choices (one look at my previous relationships will tell you that). But I don’t actually like being single! Yes, it’s nice to be able to do what I want, when I want. Yes, it’s nice to have time to myself. Yes, it’s nice to be able to make zero effort to look presentable and sit in the same pajamas I’ve been wearing all day playing video games and drinking by myself…..actually it’s not that nice, it’s kinda depressing. I’ve discovered over time that I’d actually like to have somebody to share stuff with and do weird shit with and laugh at junk with.

So naturally I did the only thing that makes sense and created a Tinder profile. How else would you find your soulmate but on an app which encourages you to base your judgements on a few semi-naked pictures and a four-word description of who the person is and what they’re looking for? Suffice to say I did not have overly high expectations about what I’d find on Tinder. I figured it would be overrun by fuckboys, narcissists and people just looking for a good (albeit brief) time. Boy was I wrong! Tinder is a GOLDMINE for interesting characters! Never have I felt so entertained! Now, just to clarify, I am not here to make fun of people just putting their best selves out there and trying to make connections of whatever kind. Respect to you bros. But there is something FASCINATING about what some people decide best represents who they are. Here are some examples of what Tinder has to offer:

The guy who photoshopped his eyes BRIGHT PURPLE
I have so many questions. Firstly: WHY??? Does he think this is what women look for in a man? Does he think anybody will actually believe his eyes are naturally this colour? Or is he just giving us a taste of what he COULD look like if his eyes were neon purple? Just in case we were wondering…

The guy whose profile pictures were ONLY HORSES
Not a single picture of himself, just horses. Note: horseS. Not just one horse, several different horses. This is not just some really proud “horse daddy” showing off his sensitive side with pictures of his beloved pet (cos chicks dig animals amiright). This guy appears to have been gallivanting around the countryside taking pictures of someone else’s horses. WHO ARE YOU? ARE YOU OK?

The guy who has 7 pictures of himself wearing only a towel….hanging off his dick
I mean, I’m impressed at how efficiently he can mimic a towel rack. Useful guy to have around, clearly. But did we really need seven fucking pictures of exactly the same thing??? Well, nearly the same thing. Sometimes the towel (more of a flannel, really) was blue, (in case you were worried he could only do it with white ones). In a couple of pictures he’s holding the phone with his left hand instead of the right (ambidextrous? How unusual!). In one picture he’s using a black and white filter (ART).

The guy whose pictures are mostly of his cat
Now unlike our horse fan, this guy is clearly a very proud cat owner. So proud, in fact, that the cat features progressively more prominently in his pictures, until the last three are literally just the cat. I’m so interested in the thought process here. It’s like he decided to take a picture with his cat (cos bitches love cats amiright) and realised “actually, this is a really photogenic cat”….”Holy hell! This is a damn fine looking cat!!!”…..”LOOK AT HIM!!! HE IS A FELINE ADONIS!!!!”

The guy who’s using another guy’s pictures
…..Come on dude. Do we even need to talk about why this is a dick move?

The guy who is actually a girl
As in, very, very obviously a girl. This keeps happening and I’m not sure why…Girls list themselves as “male” in an attempt to…what, hook up with straight women? When does that ever work? Is it even deliberate? Or do you just need help answering basic questions, Ashley?

The guy with a “swipe-right checklist”
It often goes something like this:
“Bradley, 24
Entrepreneur
5 ft 11.5
hey ladiessss 😉
checklist for you to swipe right:
have blond or light brown hair or black hair AND dark skin
blue or green eyes
no fatties
no single moms
no short hair
no psychos
between 21 and 22.5
between 5 ft 6 and 5 ft 7
bra size C cup or above ONLY
must have Bachelor’s degree minimum
working in sales, marketing, influencer or modelling
can cook
name starts with A or L (would also accept Skyla, Khryssa but not Chrissa, Rachelle or Elixevetta)

ONLY if you match this checklist then swipe right and we can have some fine wine and fun ;)”

Crap! I don’t qualify. Seems like Bradley’s a real catch 🙁

The Snapchat filter guy
No.

The guy who has pictures all over the world and looks IDENTICAL in all of them
Same pose, same expression (bored and uncomfortable), almost the same clothing, regardless of the weather. It’s almost as if he went all these places just to say he’d been there, took a picture to prove it, then left. Either that or the guy has mad Photoshop skills and literally only one picture of himself.

The guy who does NOT have mad Photoshop skills, but hopes you won’t notice
We all want to look good in photos, but Photoshopping somebody else’s abs onto your not-very-athletic torso is not the right way to go about it.