Car Reviews

I don’t like change.

Actually that’s not strictly true. I get bored incredibly easily, HATE routine, and have the attention span of a turnip, so in actual fact I really NEED change. I guess what I don’t like is letting go of things. When I was little I cried for 3 days straight because my dad sold his old car. By the time I was 12 I had about 627 stuffed animal toys I had accumulated since birth and insisted on keeping in bed with me (I used to fall out a LOT). For several months, my mom had to cordon off a (very isolated) corner of my bedroom to house a truly revolting pair of shoes I’d grown out of but refused to get rid of.

So letting go of things has never come easy to me, which explains why I have now become the type of person who approaches my car in much the same way as you would an angry and particularly unpredictable horse. You talk quietly to it and pat it gently as you try to get it going, carefully and subtly attempt to persuade it to do what you’re asking, but make a wrong move and your travel plans for the day are fucked. It’s taken several breakdowns (the car, not me) and years of blaming my incurable lateness on breakdowns (me, not the car) to lead me to the unhappy conclusion that I need a new car.

Unfortunately, I know jack-all about cars. For the last 10 years, my response to the question “What car do you drive?” has been “It’s green”. So I’ve had to do RESEARCH. I suck at research (turnip-like attention span), particularly when it’s about something I’m not really interested in (WTF is a “torque” and why do I need one?) so it has been a MARATHON. In case you’re looking to buy a new car, I figured I’d save you some time and hassle and share my findings with you. Here, in no particular order, are my car reviews. Hope you find them useful!

Audi R8 (2007-2014)

What pimps would drive in a futuristic movie made in 2001. Apparently has good “torque”.

Honda Jazz (2015-)

Looks…um…Jazzy. And According to which.co.uk, it has a “CLEVER MAGIC SEAT SYSTEM”!

Skoda Superb (2008-2015)

False advertising. They should have called it “Skoda Unremarkable”, or “Skoda A-Little-Too-Awkward-To-Be-Hot” (me).

Toyota Aygo (2014-)

Adorable. Like a lil puppy.

Citroen C4 Cactus (2014-)

What. What the fuck is that? Is that Lego?? Has someone gone and super-sized a kid’s toy??? WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER BUY THIS?????

Ford Galaxy (2015-)

What happens when you cross a 90’s mom-mobile with a hearse.

Mercedes-Benz S-Class (2013-)

Attractive and powerful, like an expensive man in his 60s, a silver fox who wears grey tailored suits with a burgundy silk handkerchief in the breast pocket, who smokes expensive cigars but somehow always smells of Old Spice, and only drinks really fancy whiskey. Holy shit it’s expensive.

Fiat 500 (2008-)

Oh yeah, because that’s what you want in a car: really bottom-heavy so you have maximum parking hassle and a really claustrophobic interior. Pointless.

Aston Martin Vanquish S (2004-2007)

Hot. 10/10 would bang if it was a guy. Probably a dick though. All the really hot ones are….I’m lonely.

Renault Scenic (2016-)

Looks compact and like it might go quite fast. Shaped like a ladybug. A lot of them seem to be yellow. Is apparently an “MVP” (Magnificent Vehicle, Probably).

Nissan Leaf (2011-2017)

Looks like what would happen if you stuck the Renault Scenic in front of a high-powered wind machine for 7 hours and its face got all stretched backwards and its nostrils got all flared. It’s electric though, so that’s cool.

Nissan Juke (2010 -)

WHY?!?!?! It looks like a toy alien crossed with one of those flat fish with their eyes on the top of their heads.

Nissan Cube (2007-2015)

Jesus Christ, Nissan. Get your shit together.

Fiat Multipla (2000-2010)