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Inspirational quotes and why they’re stupid

As someone who has been through a few rough patches and tough breakups, I can see why inspirational quotes have a place in the world. You feel shitty about your existence and read a one-size-fits-all, “positive vibey” universal truth, apply it to your shitty situation and feel a little better. Anything which helps people is alright in my books.

HOWEVER (you knew that was coming, didn’t you?), have you ever noticed how completely and utterly ridiculous they are? Now I’m not talking about actual pearls of wisdom from great people, which have become “inspirational quotes” because they are truly inspirational. I’m talking about quotes which were DESIGNED to be inspirational, but which haven’t actually earned it. Like some brat born into a rich and successful family, so is “rich and successful” without ever earning it. Like a Kardashian. I’m talking about the kind of vacuous bullshit some basic bitch gets tattooed to her ankle or side-boob so she looks good (read “deep” and “interesting”) at Coachella.

Some are just flat-out lies! ANYTHING is NOT possible if you believe. MANY things are possible if you are prepared to invest a huge amount of hard work and patience and are lucky. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way”. NO! You cannot jump off a seven-story building and expect to FLY your way to the ground simply by willing it!

Now obviously I know these things are not to be taken literally and I’m nitpicking. But I’m in a shitty mood today and I feel like being a dick and roasting something else so I feel better about my existence (why am I still single? I’m a fucking ray of sunshine!), so I’ve scoured the internet for some of my favourite inspirational quotes to tear apart. So pull your pants up and let’s go.

Especially if you have a particular fear of falling off tall buildings or being eaten by sharks.

So what, just an asshole?
Here’s one for my future husband:
Dear Attractive Man,
Find Cheesecake.
Find Rum.
Then come find me.

No. Just no.

These next ones are “just for women”, apparently. So go away men! You’re not welcome here! This is a ladies-only-party and you’re not invited! Come on sisters, let’s get our wine (or magharitaaassss ;D ) ready and forget about HIM and after we can watch The Notebook.

I’m like a teabag in the sense that I can triple in size on a diet of pure water and I tend to turn bathwater a disconcerting shade of beige if I’m left in it long enough.

Can’t relate. I’m currently clothed in pajamas and some very questionable stains and am PANICKING about a blood test I have tomorrow.

Fuck yass betch! Never apologise for ANYTHING you fucking QUEEN! Especially to a MAN cos men are dogs and they mistake POWER for being an overemotional, self-centered bitch! I’M NOT BEING SELFISH, GARY, I’M FUCKING POWERFUL!

Unless your kids are anything other than straight and binary. Also, my daughter is apparently fucked.

….And talks too much. Jeez.

So there you are, children. I’ve shit all over other people’s attempts at helping others (however lazily), it’s about time I shared some of my own hard-earned wisdom. Here is a quote I can honestly say I have lived by faithfully for my entire life. I can’t say it’s necessarily helped me in any practical way whatsoever, but it’s the most consistent I’ve ever been. It’s about as close to religious as I probably ever will be.

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