Conversations with kids

If you have/have had any young children in your life, you will be all too familiar with the sense of complete and utter bewilderment which often follows something they say. One of my favourite comedians, Dylan Moran, once described them as “miniature drunks”, which I feel is pretty accurate. They just don’t make any damn sense! Their little brains seem to come up with the most bizarre and wondrous junk, and, because they have no filter, these thoughts, feelings, creations and impulses invariably stumble out into the world, often in the form of very loud and insistent verbal diarrhoea. As a young-and-hip parent and “cool aunt” (I swear that’s how they see me…I’m certain – 99% sure…..they are so over my shit), I’ve had the privilege of bearing witness (often somewhat resignedly) to such moments of insightful brilliance more times than I can count over the last 8+ years. They make me smile (when they aren’t being bellowed directly into my face), so I thought I’d share some of them with you 🙂 .
Dani, my daughter, aged 2

Motivational quote for the day: “I CAN do it. I’m Dani Garland.” Shortly followed by: “HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I’m farting!!!!”

Dani, aged 3

Me: Baby what are you drawing?
Dani: It’th thomething. Thomething very thpecial.
Me: Oh yeah? What is it?
Dani: It’th NOT a Theagull, I’m afraid.
Me: Not a seagull. Right. But what IS it?
Dani: …It hathn’t got any eyeth.
Me: I see. Can you tell me what it is?
Dani: …I’ll tell you tomorrow.

So full of mysteries….


Me: Dani what do you wanna be when you grow up?
Dani: A penguin.
Me: …Ok.
Dani: Mama I have pink GAY pants!
Me: …….Do you mean SKI pants? Gay pants are….something completely different.


Dani aged 6

Dani: Mama my friends say I draw weird things.
Me: No baby, you don’t draw weird things. You draw beautifully.
Dani: No. Yesterday I drew an apple with a parachute.


We were watching a Parkour video and after a couple minutes of concentrated silence Dani says: “Maybe they are trying to catch someone for the midnight feast.”


Dani, 8

Dani: “Mama I’m going to go into the kitchen to get some water…”
Me: “OK, good girl.”
Dani: “And while I’m in the kitchen I’m going to fart, so I don’t have to fart here.”
Me: “…….That’s very considerate of you.”

I was asking my family for advice about my blog, and Dani yells:
“Just write ‘bosoms’! If I was president I would make it so everybody has to write ‘bosoms’.”
Um, why?

Dani: I only have two stuff to do for homework.
Me: You don’t say “two stuff”, you say “two things“.
Dani: Why?
Me: Because you can’t quantify “stuff” numerically.
Dani: Yeah, but we’re not in America.
…When you say “numerically” and your kid invents “Americally”…


Kemal, my nephew, aged 4

“Look Becca! We did a LESS dangerous thing!”


*Sees parents kissing*
“Gettin’ married, huh?”


Kemal, aged 5

From upstairs, about his brother: “Mama, is Eren older than 18 months?”
His mom: “He’s 19 months.”
Kemal: “….Oh. Well he’s 9 months too old then!” *slams door*
His mom: “Should we be worried?”


And just for fun, here is a quote from my dad, context unknown:

“There’s Tinder and then there’s Facebook, and never the twain shall meet. HOWEVER…”



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