My Nephew’s Exploding Butt

I was on the phone to my sister today, and like always, there was a fairly constant stream of high pitched rhetoric from my 4 year old nephew in the background. In general, this doesn’t require much response from my sister beyond a periodic “Mmm”, or “really?” or ‘yeah!” or “you do that”. My sister has two small children (three, if you count her husband), and has a remarkable ability to multitask. She is so empathetic she can literally hold down an intense “girl talk” and take care of two tiny boys and one large man-child without batting an eyelid (I can only just manage me and a glass of wine…..and some heroin). But on this particular occasion, my sister felt my nephew’s incessant chatter actually necessitated a considered response. Mid-conversation (or probably several hours in, from my nephew’s point of view), she says: “No darling, your bottom will not explode”…..usually I am so self-centred that I would happily ignore the interlude and continue with our conversation (yes, I hate me too), but this was just too good to pass up.

“Um….bottom? Explode?” was all I managed.

“Yeah, uh apparently…hold on….no sweety, it won’t explode, but if you don’t do it today it will hurt……no, not tomorrow, today”

“I think I will do it tomorrow” came the reply.

“No, today, not tomorrow”

“No mama….I think I will do it tomorrow”

“Well maybe your butt will explode then!”

Wtf were they talking about??? Pooping. They were talking about pooping. Apparently he needed to poop, but didn’t much feel like it (he is very busy and important). His mom and dad were trying to persuade him that holding your poop in for 24 hours is not necessarily the best idea, but my nephew is wilful, especially when it comes to his anus. It appears my brother-in-law, in an act of desperation, tried to convince my nephew that if he did not poop now, his butt would literally explode. My very small, yet surprisingly skeptical nephew wanted to check with his (considerably more honest) mother whether or not this was the case. Satisfied with the answer that his butt would, in fact, NOT explode, should he choose not to poop today, he decided (much to the chagrin of his parents) his time would be better spent on more productive pursuits, such as bellowing incoherently, or running around in circles, or banging stuff with other stuff.

I miss the days when the most important decisions revolved around when to poop and what to bang with what. That said, I haven’t had anal in a while…..

I suggested my sister try one of my most favoured parenting hacks. She said to him:

“I’m gonna poop faster than you!”

There was a pregnant pause…..then:

“NO MAMA I WILL POOP FIRST MAMA NONONONO GETOUTOFMYWAYYYYY!!!!!”

Competitive pooping may not be as healthy as, say, fibre, but apparently it gets even the most stubborn of bowels moving.

Suck on that, Kellogg’s Fruit and Nut.